Tuesday was Owen's first birthday. My sweet little cherub has turned into a walking, furniture climbing, baby talk babbling small person. He is so smart, and so tall, and so beautiful it almost hurts to look at him. I woke up Tuesday morning with gratitude in my heart and an extra bounce in my step. I sang Happy Birthday to him when I got him out of his crib, and told him how lucky I was to have him in my life.
It was a happy moment. I was anticipating a fully happy day.
It didn't turn out that way.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was having some heavy bleeding, which is not a good thing when you're 8 weeks pregnant. I went to the OBGYN, and the ultrasound was inconclusive, so they drew some blood and sent me home with very little information and a lot of confusion. My happy day with my baby boy was turned upside down, and that almost made me more sad than anything else. I didn't want that to be how I remembered his first birthday.
The next day I had to go back, get another ultrasound, and they were concerned about a spot that looked like an ectopic pregnancy, so they rushed me into emergency surgery. I only got to spend a few hours with Owen that day, too.
I am angry that the beauty of my baby's very first birthday was overshadowed by the sadness and drama of losing his younger sibling-to-be. I am sad that this next baby, who I wanted very much, is now gone. I am hopeful that we can try again. I am tired and drained by all of the events of the past few days. And I am trying to have faith that it all happens for a reason.
We are still having his birthday party on Sunday, and something like 20 people are coming from 3 states to be here for the celebration. We are very lucky, and very loved. My Monkey is a special boy.
a teeny blurb about me
- another clueless mom
- I am a 32 year old first time mom who is continually shocked at how much those baby books and doulas and midwives don't tell you about having and raising kids...let me tell you, it's a lot!
No comments:
Post a Comment