Photographic Evidence

I just want there to be, recorded in a public forum, photographic proof that sometimes, just sometimes, Owen's room is actually clean. For a minute or two.

Inappropriate Toys

This is the weirdest toy ever...we found this one and the next one in a toy box in our realtor's office. People in the office bring in kid's meal toys and throw them in there for kids who come in to the office to play with. A lot of them are pretty old, actually. Anyway, this one makes armpit fart noises and then a "whu-wha" noise when you pull it's arm down. How is this a good thing to teach a toddler?!?

This one looks suspiciously like a vibrator, and guess what? IT VIBRATES! So creepy...

No, I am not a paid spokesperson. I just play one on TV.

So this may come as a complete surprise to some of you, and you know who you are, I can see you fidgeting in the audience...but NOT ALL CHILD LOCKS ARE THE SAME.

Just soak that in for a moment, and allow me to elaborate.

When I was shopping for childproofing gear, in a feeble attempt to maintain the illusion of security against a toddler, I figured all those doo-hickies were the same. I mean, yeah they look different, but really how is one cabinet lock different from another? Boy, was I feeble minded. (In my defense, I was also severely sleep deprived, and shopping for this stuff with a husband who thought duct taping everything shut was a good plan.)

Anyway, I bought the first thing I saw that was for cabinets/drawers and figured we were in good shape. It wasn't until Aron started "The Installation Process" that I realized something had gone horribly wrong. Here is a photo of our first childproofing locking device.

This is one of those things you screw the little piece in to the underside of the top of the inside of the drawer/cabinet frame (you're scratching your head already, aren't you?) and the big piece in to the inside top of the drawer or cabinet door, and when you close the drawer/cabinet they connect and lock together. When you want to open it again it only opens about 2 inches and you have to push down on the big piece to disconnect it from the small piece and it will "unlock" for you. It took about 10 minutes for each one to get "installed" because the screws are tiny and Aron kept dropping them, and it's hard to screw anything in to the inside top underside blah blah of a freaking drawer because there's not much room to maneuver. When he had gotten them in all the floor level kitchen cabinets and the drawers in the living room, we thought we were in good shape. Haha! we thought, We have thwarted your attempts to pillage our kingdom, silly toddler!

Right.

Owen figured out in about 14 seconds that the two inches the stuff opens is plenty big enough for him to reach in to with his tiny little arms, and if he can reach in he can grab stuff, and if he can grab stuff he can sometimes pull it out, or at least make a mess. We also ran out of them before we got to every cabinet, and I didn't really want to screw anything in to this cabinet of my Mom's, so we headed to Babies-R-Us for more supplies.

We found these little gems...

They look innocent and helpful, right? Pshaw. The idea is that they clip, each rounded end, around the knobs of a cabinet, and then you pull it together to tighten it depending on how far apart the knobs are. To release it you push on the little part sticking out of the bottom and then pull them apart. The funny shaped part in the inside of the right rounded end is the locking mechanism, and when it's tightened enough to lock, the little icon flips to a green one.

Simple enough.

The problem was that once I got it on a cabinet, which was simple enough, it took both hands, tugging like crazy, blood sweat and tears, and a few curse words to get the damn thing apart again. Apparently this lock is best for a cabinet you don't plan to get in to more than once or twice a century. Sooooo, back to the drawing board (that's a euphemism for "That Goddamn Babies-R-Us That Takes All Our Money").

I thought these looked both uncomplicated and easy to disconnect.

You press the center button to disengage the locking mechanism, pull it apart, place each end around a cabinet knob, slide it closed, and PRESTO! One easy to use baby lock, one safe cabinet, one happy Mommy. Here's the problem, folks. These things, which were the B-R-Us brand, are flimsy and deceptively annoying. If Owen pulled hard enough on the cabinet knobs he could bend the plastic on these enough to get an arm inside and wreak havoc. And if, when you take it off, the pieces separate, there is only ONE correct way to put them back together, because one hole and one long end each have a little extra space cut out, which you can maybe sort of see in the picture. It's not as easy as it sounds to figure out the right way when you have a baby rolling around on the floor with poop on his butt trying to stand up and get in the cabinet that is now luring him with its openness, because you need both hands free to corral him. Needless to say, I grew to hate these in a few short days, and so we decided to give it one last try...then we were just going to sell all the furniture and install those cabinets high on the walls out of his reach.

Here's what we ended up with...here's what saved my sanity.

These miraculous feats of engineering are complex, but pretty easy to use actually. And they are DEFINITELY child proof. Basically, you loop the straps around the knobs, connect the two pieces so they lock together, and tighten the straps. To release you press both the bottom lever and the middle button and pull them apart. To release the straps if you want to remove it completely, you raise two tiny levers, one on each piece, and pull. These things are sturdy, very adjustable, and completely resilient to my child's tactical maneuvers. They rule, they're not expensive, and you don't have to drill any holes in your furniture!

So after weeks of testing, we determined that the Safety 1st weird looking strappy double lock things were the far superior child lock. Go on out and buy one today! :)

Movie Meditation

Let's just take a few peaceful moments to watch Owen chase birds on the beach.

It's really quite adorable.

Hmph.

Owen and I made our fifth (yes, I said fifth, that was not a typo) trip to his pediatrician's office yesterday just since his first (yes, I said first) appointment with this new Dr. in July. He has had some nasty ear infections, and this one is just as mean spirited as the last two. He's starting his third round of antibiotics (this is fun with numbers, huh?) since we moved here, and I am not happy about it.

I asked the Dr. in my most level, careful-not-to-sound-hysterical voice, if giving him antibiotics again was the best plan, since he's been on them so much lately. He said it's better to treat an ear infection than to give it a chance to get really comfortable and take up permanent residence, and I could understand that. But then I made the mistake of saying something like, "I wonder why he keeps getting these now, he's never had one before we moved here." And he of course asked if Owen has been in daycare situations (yes, at the YMCA when I work out) or playing with kids (yes, the Fillmores) and then he tells me, "Well he's around kids more, he is out more now. For the first year you kept him in, didn't take him out much or expose him to much, and so now he's not living in a bubble and he's going to catch everything. It's normal for kids to get a lot of ear infections until about 2 years old, and he's just started getting them late because of late exposure."

Wait a second there, genius. Hold the phone. Are you assuming I am one of THOSE parents?

It was all I could do to just nod and smile and then promptly re-clothe my child and walk to the car. What I really wanted to say was something about how I get teased all the time by my best friend, Owen's beloved Aunt Pandy, because I let him walk around barefoot in Wal-Mart and ride naked in shopping carts and put his own shoes in his mouth. I wanted to tell him how when Owen was 6 weeks old we took him on an Amtrak train (not notorious for its sanitary conditions) all the way from Charlotte to Albany, NY and that I nursed and changed him on the floor of Penn Station in New York (also not exactly the most sparkling facility). I wanted to write him a list of the hordes of people my child has hugged, drooled on, and been kissed by since he was born, including the 120 people he shared breathing space with at the Chris and Rachel's wedding in Vermont, and give him a calendar of all the times I took him out with me, including the first time we took him out when he was seven days old and we walked around King Street in Boone and had lunch at Our Daily Bread.

Do not tell ME I spent a year of my child's life keeping him in a BUBBLE.

Anyway, I was offended by it, but then I realized, smirking in the parking lot, that although my child spent his first year out and about in the world, it was a less smoggy world in the mountains with fresh air, and he didn't start getting all this crap until he moved to the yucky city, so he can take his judgment and shove up his polluted...well, you know...

Random Thought

Why is it that we (parents) always say "Be careful, Sweetie!" AFTER the child has done something reckless and hurt themselves?

And we're supposed to be the smart ones...

Fearless

My child...my child is fearless. I know lots of parents say that about their kids, like "Oh little Suzy, she's fearless, she'll eat anything!"

Ha, I say to them. Ha. Ha.

My child will take off at a dead run toward the ocean. And without clothes on, much less life-saving  flotation devices.

My child will climb to the top of furniture that is 4 feet off the ground, shake his booty, and clap his hands.

My child will crawl to the top of a flight of stairs and then turn around, stick out his foot, and try to walk down them, without holding on to anything.

My child is not afraid of strangers (this is problematic), bugs (this is gross), or fire (this is just terrifying).

My child freaks me out on a regular basis. He is afraid of nothing, and it makes me afraid of everything! I need him to be hesitant. I need him to be reasonably cautious. I need him to have just a little bit of healthy, rational fear in his heart. Just a little! Just enough to keep him from imminent danger.

But he doesn't.

{sigh}